another night

Who thought being totally alone would be so hard?? You would think I would be jumping for joy at the thought of time alone. I am not! I am lonely and I miss my boys. We are at the point in life where I think we all genuinely like each other. I love to hang out with them, I love to play cards with them and just be with them. They are good boys and I feel so lucky to be able to say they are mine. Yes, of course I love them- I loved them before I knew them for crying out loud! I loved the idea of them and the potential that existed just knowing they were to be born. To say I actually like them on top of all of this is such an honor to me. I am so proud of these guys:

(My thoughts are a little scattered right now and I might not make much sense but here goes!)

When I left Aaron I couldn't explain all that was going on. I couldn't explain that I felt incredibly alone and stifled and controlled. I couldn't tell people the real reasons for leaving- that I felt dirty and perverted and used. I told my mother, I had to. She cried and apologized and worried about me belatedly. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done and it is one of the things that I am most proud of. I left, I was still a mother and I found there was so much more to ME. Me without him. I hadn't experienced that since I was 17 years old.

I have no one to blame, after all I wouldn't have listened if someone told me not to get married so young. I don't regret it, of course I don't regret it because regret isn't the right word. How can I regret something that gave me G and B? No, I don't regret it.

I am very settled now in my life. I have a job that has turned into a career, one that I am very good at, one that I love and hope will be a lifelong commitment. Yes, work is good. I get called "company girl" all the time and I think it's said with a little jealousy and envy. I am very well thought of in my region and I did that for myself. I started at the bottom, I worked my way up and did it on my own. Yes, I am proud of my work life.

My marriage has been difficult. Greg and I have struggled so much since the beginning. We moved far too fast. We both recognized that the other represented what we were looking for. I was so taken with Greg even before I knew his name. He was B's peewee football coach in the fall of 2006 and I remember thinking what a great attitude he had, the kids liked him and he seemed to thoroughly enjoy them. I asked a few questions about him, found out he was single, sat, watched and talked to him whenever I could. He was soft spoken with a great smile and I was quite taken with him without even knowing him. I worked up the nerve to send his brother an email asking about him and if he thought Greg might be interested in talking to me. Yes would be an understatement. Our first phone call was 3 hours, the next was 2 and our first date lasted until 2am on a school night!!

The weeks just cruised by-kids, work, dating. We didn't fight, we spent nearly every free minute together. I knew after 2 weeks that I wanted to marry this man. I felt wanted, I felt like he appreciated my brain, I felt he was someone who was quickly becoming my best friend.

changes

My kids are in Maine with their father, my husband is on his way to Florida for an unexpected business trip, my step daughter is with her mother for the first time this summer and I am on my own. Alone. Just me and the critters. (Currently the dog is chewing on his front paw- he stalked it, trapped it and is now eating it. Clever.)

I think of these deep, witty, incredibly profound posts when I am in the tub or the car or grocery shopping. Right now I can't think of anything other than I ruined a pot of coffee this morning and I am incredibly sad. I feel like I am spinning my wheels, like no one really cares if I am here or not. No one shares information, no one asks or bothers. I need to just get over myself.

We had a pig roast on Saturday. It was a good time, very few drunks- the most noted and discussed being my mother in law. She went off on my friend the lawyer, told him another local attorney was smarter and better looking. YIKES!! I was so tired by the end of the night, I couldn't wait to get home and crawl into bed. The kids were awesome, the dog was as cute as ever and our friends seemed to have a good time.

That's all for now, I need to go to work!

Vacation all I ever wanted.....

Where oh where did the two weeks go?? I have been on vacation from work for the past two weeks and it's been good, very good indeed. I am not ready to go back to work tomorrow. In fact I incredibly NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job. I love it so much in fact that my coworkers call me "company girl" to piss me off. It doesn't work for I truly am "company girl" and take pride in it. The better I do at work the better I do financially which means the better my family does. I will not be ashamed or embarrassed by this!

Anywho, vacation. I spent the first week at home with the kids, recharging my batteries, cleaning the basement (yes, we have only been here 6 months and we needed to clean the basement,) and generally puttering around. Week two was spent with the husband at home along with the kids. We decided on a whim to go to Maine and spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday there. It was a good time, the kids were good, the weather was good and the beer was outstanding. The latter half was this week spent puttering around the house. We had friends over Friday night and had far too much to drink, we spent Saturday recuperating and today was all about Football.
My husband coaches youth football ( how I met him) and his practice season beings tomorrow night. Today was equipment handout. Only about half the kids showed up. Of course, the kids need to have responsible, mature parents to show and this is seriously lacking in our area. Parents- the bane of a coaches existence! Greg gave out a handout tonight outlining what was acceptable and unacceptable behaviour for parents at a youth football game. Let's see if they actually read it. Last year there were a couple of parents who were over the top and were incredibly embarrassing! I politely asked them to please NOT scream at the other kids. Perspective people- we are at a youth football game for crying out loud!!
Back to the grind tomorrow, back to reality, back to basics.

Day 2 and odds and ends

Day 2 was hard as I knew it would be. I did the 30 day shred for 10 minutes until my right knee went POP. I then went down to the basement and got on the eliptical and did 7 minutes and then lifted weights for a few minutes and got back on the eliptical. My abs (ha!! to call that section of my body "abs" is a joke- more like fudge cake roll) are killing me as are my legs. This means it is WORKING folks.

I continued my quest to clean the basement and organized a bunch of stuff down there. It's getting better- I can actually see a HUGE improvement in it. Greg hasn't gone down yet. He doesn't like change at all and anything moved or out of place might tip him over. When he is ready he will go down.

Some pictures from Barbados. December 2008.

Day 1 of 30 Day Shred

You can't see the sweat or hear the huffing and puffing. It's there, I assure you.
See that double chin?? It will be GONE.

Jillian Michaels is a task master, she also has the best abs in the world. Work. Blood, sweat and tears. Work.

Third Time is the Charm (or so I hear)

This is the Third time I have attempted this. I am going to keep it light, fun, picture filled and something that my kids can look at.

Today is the first day of my vacation and the first day of the 30 Day Shred. I am tired of being fat, tired of not having any clothes that fit me and tired of being out of breath at the top of the stairs.

I have to have goals so my goal is 30 lbs by Christmas. If all goes well with the 30 Day Shred I will be joining a gym. I would LOVE to take a kickboxing class or 2. Good stuff.

Wedding Day May 2nd, 2009

Niagara Falls, May 28th, 2009

Front Porch, Summer 2009