another night

Who thought being totally alone would be so hard?? You would think I would be jumping for joy at the thought of time alone. I am not! I am lonely and I miss my boys. We are at the point in life where I think we all genuinely like each other. I love to hang out with them, I love to play cards with them and just be with them. They are good boys and I feel so lucky to be able to say they are mine. Yes, of course I love them- I loved them before I knew them for crying out loud! I loved the idea of them and the potential that existed just knowing they were to be born. To say I actually like them on top of all of this is such an honor to me. I am so proud of these guys:

(My thoughts are a little scattered right now and I might not make much sense but here goes!)

When I left Aaron I couldn't explain all that was going on. I couldn't explain that I felt incredibly alone and stifled and controlled. I couldn't tell people the real reasons for leaving- that I felt dirty and perverted and used. I told my mother, I had to. She cried and apologized and worried about me belatedly. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done and it is one of the things that I am most proud of. I left, I was still a mother and I found there was so much more to ME. Me without him. I hadn't experienced that since I was 17 years old.

I have no one to blame, after all I wouldn't have listened if someone told me not to get married so young. I don't regret it, of course I don't regret it because regret isn't the right word. How can I regret something that gave me G and B? No, I don't regret it.

I am very settled now in my life. I have a job that has turned into a career, one that I am very good at, one that I love and hope will be a lifelong commitment. Yes, work is good. I get called "company girl" all the time and I think it's said with a little jealousy and envy. I am very well thought of in my region and I did that for myself. I started at the bottom, I worked my way up and did it on my own. Yes, I am proud of my work life.

My marriage has been difficult. Greg and I have struggled so much since the beginning. We moved far too fast. We both recognized that the other represented what we were looking for. I was so taken with Greg even before I knew his name. He was B's peewee football coach in the fall of 2006 and I remember thinking what a great attitude he had, the kids liked him and he seemed to thoroughly enjoy them. I asked a few questions about him, found out he was single, sat, watched and talked to him whenever I could. He was soft spoken with a great smile and I was quite taken with him without even knowing him. I worked up the nerve to send his brother an email asking about him and if he thought Greg might be interested in talking to me. Yes would be an understatement. Our first phone call was 3 hours, the next was 2 and our first date lasted until 2am on a school night!!

The weeks just cruised by-kids, work, dating. We didn't fight, we spent nearly every free minute together. I knew after 2 weeks that I wanted to marry this man. I felt wanted, I felt like he appreciated my brain, I felt he was someone who was quickly becoming my best friend.